WHAT IS LOVE AND WHEN YOU REALLY LOVE

What is love?

Well, the question is too deep for an ordinary mortal like me, so I let an expert in human nature answer, the person who most of all made me understand what it really means to love, Erich Fromm :

Love is an active power of man; a power that cancels the walls that separate him from his fellow men, which makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separation, and yet allows him to be himself and to maintain his integrity. It seems like a paradox, but in love two beings become one , yet remain two.
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Here we find the fundamental element for a relationship based on true love, being one while being two.

In fact, it often happens that in relationships one cancels oneself, that one becomes one with the other person forgetting to have an identity .

Or it happens that you forget to have a partner and only do what you want.

The first are those in which we live in function of the other , in which we put aside passions, interests or friends, for one’s partner.

The latter are instead those cases in which the other does not even exist , in which one is so sure of his presence that nothing is done to appreciate or gratify him.

Between the two extremes of co-dependent and detached relationship there should be what we can define a healthy and lasting relationship , as well as the answer to the questions What is love? and When do you really love each other?

Everyone thinks they know what love is

There is no other word in the world that has been more idealized, and perhaps misunderstood , than the word “love”.

Everyone knows what love is or, at least, they think they know it.

In the name of love poetry, music, literature, cinema and art have indulged.

In the name of what is called love , eternal promises and blatant deeds are made, and then one gets angry and suffers.

We could talk about it indefinitely, yet we would only scratch its true meaning .

Because love is all that we believe to be and also the opposite :

It is a feeling that arises spontaneously but must also be nurtured over time.
It is something irrational but also logical and rational.
It is an activity of the heart but also of the mind.
It is an emotion that can make us alive but also make an illusion live.
It is an instinctive impulse but also a talent to develop.

Yes, loving is a talent , a bit like playing the piano or painting, a “movement” of the body and soul that becomes more graceful as you exercise.

So, this being the case, it may be that loving also requires a certain level of “practice” , a certain level of education and awareness.

And it may be that in order to fully understand what love is, the will to distinguish what is from what is not is necessary.

What is not love

Love is not jealousy, it is not possession , it is not dominion, it is not addiction.
Love is not morbid attachment , it is not verbal or physical compulsion or abuse.
Love is not manipulation , it is not an impediment to the free expression of the other.
Love is not unconsciousness or ignorance, it is not insensitivity to the needs of others.
Love is not authoritarian, it is not selfish , it is not attached to money or success.
Love is not emotional or environmental pollution, it is not toxic or problematic.
Love is not giving too much or taking away too much , it is not too indifferent or too suspicious.
Love is not self-denial or helplessness.
Love cannot be placed on conditions, it cannot be limited to a specific place or a specific time.
Love is not exclusion, it is not injustice , nor disparity.
Love is not an island where you go to live excluding and excluding yourself, it is not a defense against the world or a pretext for hating the world.
Love is not war , it is not constant quarrels or constant complications.
Love is not violence or punishment, it is not judgment or disabling concern.

What is love, when you really love

Love has nothing to do with it.

True love is an inclination, an “activity” of thought which translates into a deep and unconditional interest in a loved one , in a dispassionate desire for its evolution and well-being, whatever that entails.

We therefore love when we learn to pay attention to the needs of satisfaction and joy of others, when we learn to have faith in their potential, in their natural tendency to become the best possible version of themselves.

We love, then, when we consider anyone, even our own child, as a being independent of us , as a life that follows its own path, its own growth.

We love when we want this growth, when we let it happen in its own way, with its times.

We love when we get lost in the other, when we know his inner world without trying to change it.

We love when we know and understand each other. We love when we make a fundamental choice : the choice to let go of vanity, our pretensions to invulnerability and perfection, the infantile requests for attention and validation.

The art of loving … first of all yourself

The indispensable premise of this love, the unique condition that gives validity and strength to love directed outside of us, is the love that is born and spreads within … love for oneself .

Very often in our society, love for oneself is confused with narcissism and selfishness, with placing one’s interest in front of that of others.

This misconception justifies the use of money and the pursuit of wealth at all costs, prevents us from respecting the suffering of others, gives legitimacy to greed, inhibits tolerance and creates separation.

The egoist sees the other as something to be exploited or overcome.

Those who experience self- love do not care so much about winning at the expense of someone but to improve themselves, and are capable of rejoicing for the successes of others as of suffering for their losses.

Loving yourself is an art, it means feeling full of something you want to share with the world , having your own realization and that of those close to us at heart.

To love oneself means to love one’s body, to aspire to the health and prosperity of the soul; it means having self-confidence , loving yourself and wanting to protect your “inner child”.

And then it means learning to empathize , forgiving one’s mistakes and accepting one’s faults.

Without empathy for oneself there is no compassion for the other, and without compassion for the other there is no love , there is no connection, there is no fullness or meaning.

Blaming oneself and the inability to appreciate oneself are the two biggest obstacles to true love , because …

when you are not comfortable with what you are, others will be seen as a means to resolve your insecurities , and not as an end or the final goal of our love.

In addition, loving or not loving oneself marks the difference between infantile love , which is mainly directed towards taking from others, and mature love , which is mainly directed towards giving.

As master Eckhart Tolle says , “great and just is he who, loving himself, loves his neighbor equally”, and great and just is he who, loving himself, loves the whole world equally.